You keep a calendar because during your period of use and abuse, you would lose track of the days. You are a highly paid, highly skilled athlete who steps in between the ropes and uses those skills in the art of professional wrestling. An occupation that you have flushed down the toilet unlike the pills you know you have to make sure suffer the same fate, otherwise your career will be fucking over. You get out of bed, your body achy and stomach churning, as you know the sickness is going to hurl itself out of your body and into the toilet bowl you’ve had to clean quite a bit due to the consistent vomiting. You walk into the bathroom and you see your reflection in the mirror.

You see that you’re a good looking man underneath it all, but right now, you see the ugliness that has taken over. Not the ugliness like just not being that good looking, but you see the sunk in eyes, looking very close to being hollow. You see your skin is pale, then shades of red, back to pale again. It changes pretty regularly. You see the sweat seeping out of your pours. You are disgusted with yourself. You tell yourself that there has to be so much more to life than this, because living life like this isn’t fucking worth it at all. This notion repeats over and over in your mind, like a clock tick, tick, ticking in your head, and the alarm goes off, ringing and buzzing in your brain, telling you that you need to wake the fuck up and do something drastic, do something that you are afraid of doing despite knowing that you need to do it because it may very well save your damned life.

That is what you wanted when you crashed the funeral just the other day, You want it still. You want God to come out of nowhere and show that He cares, that He is there watching over you, just waiting for the right opportunity to show you the way. You close your eyes and in a way, it is like He is showing you the way to go, putting thoughts in your mind, with the main thought being that you need to get into some sort of rehab and stick with it. The word scares the shit out of you. You shudder at the very thought.

…Rehab…

It repeats in your mind, until the sickness in your stomach rises rapidly, like a volcano that lies dormant for years and years finally erupting without any real warning minus the little bit of shakes in the earth around it. You press your hands down on the sides of the toilet seat as your drop down to your knees with your stomach erupting. You hack and you hack, puking up whatever you had last night, until there is nothing left, until you are hacking up the pit of your stomach. You draw in heavy deep breaths, sweating as you wipe your forehead with the back of your hand, quietly telling yourself that things will get better and that today is going to be a good day, that it will be the first of many good days…

You let out a sigh…

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“Do you think that this will change anything, James?”

The ghost of my father once again haunts me as I stand in my kitchen, the row of bottles continuing to increase as I hold a bottle of my old friend, Jim Beam, above the sink. I look at its contents, the brown poison that I have allowed to dictate me and control my life. I look at it, feeling the scowl on my face as I glare at it as well as my reflection in the bottle, “I’m not sure that I can truly answer that, because I don’t know. I am learning something new about myself and life every single day. There has been one constant however.”

The ghost calls out from behind me, “And what might that be, my dear boy?”

I smirk, “I’ve learned that nothing is ever guaranteed in this life. I have had many battles inside of the ring as well as the outside. That statement holds true for all paths that I have taken. I go into a match now, not knowing if I am going to win or lose, and I have accepted that. I wake up every day not knowing whether or not I am going to live or die. Nothing is ever guaranteed. You have to take it day by day. I am learning to accept that as well. And you ask whether or not this…me doing this…is going to change anything. I don’t know, but I hope that it does. I am going to give it my best shot every single day.”

The ghost of my father appears in the reflection from the bottle, a smirk on his face, a slight twinkle in his eye, “I have to admit that I admire your drive, James. But I do know that you’re like me. There will always be that longing for a sip, that longing for that high. You’ll need something to get you through the hell you always claim to find yourself in. And when that thirst kicks in, and it will…coming when you least expect it, you will give into the temptation and then I will be here, to laugh at you, telling you that I told you so…”

I shake my head, cracking a smile, “I’m hoping that you’ll go away when this shit is completely out of my system. I feel like every time I cracked a bottle or popped a pill, you were there, chanting for me, rooting me on, hoping that I would grow closer and closer to becoming you. I am going to do something that you couldn’t. Something that you wouldn’t.”

The ghost rests his chin on my shoulder, the smirk on his face mocking me, “And what might that be?”

“I’m going to rehab. I am going to get the help I need. I am going to get my life right. I am going to do whatever I have to do in order to achieve that goal and to maintain it. I am going to become a better man inside and out.”

Curiosity fills the ghost’s eyes, “What is the motivation behind this drive, James? You seem so determined. It is probably all for nothing, but is amusing to watch. So, tell me…what motivates you, boy? Do you think it’s going to help you find love? Do you think it will help you get back with Katelyn? That will crumble before you know it, much like this whole idea of getting on the right track. You’re not destined for the right track.”

“I’m not doing this to help me find love. I am not doing this to get back with her. I am doing this for me and for the chance to be a better father to my children that I left behind. The idea brings me a sense of peace that I can’t describe. It is something that I want to grab a hold of and never let go of,” The words exit my mouth as I feel slightly weak in the knees at the thought of being around my children. The thought of being around them makes me sad, but a good sad. If I were to cry, I guess you could call them tears of joy.

The ghost cackles, “Your children? You’re kidding me right? You do know that they have more than likely moved on and forgotten about you. And why wouldn’t they? You’ve done nothing for those girls. Just face it…you are just like me…”

I feel an anger rise up inside of me, through the pit of my stomach. I can taste it on the back of my throat, as I once again glare into the bottle, seeing my reflection. I turn my body and sling the bottle towards the ghost, telling him to shut the fuck up. The bottle flies across the kitchen and slams into the refrigerator door. The glass shatters and the liquid splashes onto the floor. My body shakes, not from withdrawals, but from rage. I turn and I grab every single bottle and I begin to throw them. I see my father, standing and pointing at me while laughing. I through each bottle at each ghost, each image. The bottles shatter and the glass crumples to the floor. I throw with all of my might, until there are no more bottles. I go to drop to my knees but I slam my fist down on the kitchen counter, as the words the ghost spoke enter my mind and pound against my skull. I clench my teeth as the words create nothing but pain for me. I slam my fist down once again letting out a roar.

I tell myself that I cannot stop there. I look around and I see no other bottles, no more booze. I feel my body moving, my feet stomping as I enter the bathroom. I see the determined look in my eyes, as I fling open the medicine cabinet. I see the row of pill bottles. The names throw themselves out at me.

Oxycontin.

Xanax.

An entire pharmacy calling out to me, telling me that I don’t have to get rid of them, begging me to just pop the top. I grab a few of the bottles and I remove the tops. I look down at the pills as they call out to me, telling me that I just need to pop one. I just need a hit and then I will remember what it was like to feel like nothing else mattered. It would take just one hit to feel numb once again and then everything would be alright again.

But I don’t listen. I kick the toilet lid open and begin dumping the pills inside, until each bottle is empty. I glare down at them before slamming my hand down and flushing them away. I watch as they go around and around the bowl before disappearing into the hole. I press my hand against my chest, feeling my heart pounding, as I begin to ask if I did the right thing, beginning to doubt my decision.

The ghost chimes in from out in the hallway, “Doubting yourself are we?”

I close my eyes tightly and shake my head, “No…no…I did the right thing. I just have to keep telling myself that I did the right thing.”

I press my hands down on the sink, doing all that I can to balance myself. I feel a pressure in the side and front of my head as the ghost speaks once more, “Honestly…James…do you really believe that?”

I draw in a deep breath and hold it for a few moments, before slowly exhaling as my eyes open. I rest my gaze on my reflection as I respond in a hushed tone, “I have to…”

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It’s been an eventful day I tell myself as I put my hands in my coat pockets just as I reach the street. I begin walking, keeping my eyes focused. I am heading to rehab and I am feeling a lot of different things, but mainly anxious and afraid. I don’t know what I am getting myself into. I tell myself that I am going to have to just deal with it and accept it because I am doing the right thing. I know that I will doubt myself sometimes. That is expected. I have always done that, but I know that I have to keep with it. It will help me in the long run, not only in my personal life, but in my career as well. I know that Auclair and Starr are going to want to exact revenge on me at some point. I tell myself that I am going to have to be prepared to fight. I am going to have to be in the right mindset. My mind and body will have to be strong if I want to survive, I say to myself.

The rehab I am heading to will be at the church where I crashed the funeral. I found myself going back to it a day or so after I left the priest in the middle of my confession. He told me about the group that is held at the church after his sermon. He sought me out and it made me feel pretty good, despite the awkward feeling I had due to how our last conversation went. He told me that he didn’t truly know me but he was proud of me for taking the necessary steps to get my life right and to get clean. He said he prayed for me after I left and that made me feel good. I just hoped that God listened to the priest. I tell myself that maybe He did because I am heading to rehab. I am going to this group when I have dealt with therapy off and on throughout my entire life. The last thing I want to do is waste my time as I have each and every time I have found myself in an office or on a couch.

I know that I can manipulate and get people believing whatever. It is not something that I am proud of. I say this to myself as I turn another corner and I think to myself, that it could be that I have manipulated myself into believing that everything is fine with me for so long that I had no choice but to buy into it. I guess the lies have lost their luster because the only thing I believe in is that I am a fucking mess.

I step into the church and walk towards the back, before heading down the stairs to the basement. I see people bringing chairs together. I stay to the shadows, trying my best to keep a low profile. I make myself a cup of coffee at the table set up for snacks and such. I grab a doughnut as well, doing whatever I can in order to kill time. Once the seats begin to fill, I saunter over and take a seat at the back, behind a big hulk of a black man, using him as a shield so nobody really notices me. I know that I will have to open up and all of that, but I’m not ready. I feel like I am back in class on my very first day of high school. I was scared to death to say the least.

A tall, lanky middle aged white guy makes his way to the stage as the basement is like a small gym or auditorium. He smiles as he steps to the podium before he begins to speak. He says that it is good to see everyone here and he hopes that we were able to remain strong throughout the week despite any and all trials or tribulations. He then tells us to bow our heads and close our eyes as he leads us in prayer. I close my eyes and I feel my chest tighten slightly, “Dear Lord, we thank you for allowing us to gather here again this week. We are thankful that you were there to watch over us as we encountered temptations of the world. Things that have led us down some dark paths and for that we are thankful for your love and the light you have provided,” My chest get tighter as he continues, “I want to say that I am thankful that the familiar faces have continued to come back as they fight against the struggles of the word, using your love and strength as motivation. I am thankful for any new faces who have come here tonight, looking for your love and strength so that they can overcome any and all obstacles placed before them…” I feel a slight comfort as I hear his words.

“You know that none of us are perfect, but we are perfect to you oh, Lord. Without you, we would not be able to overcome the obstacles we encounter on a daily basis. You test and challenge us, and it is through you that we are able to rise to those challenges, no matter how hurt we feel, or how much loss we have to endure. You provide us with the strength and love we need to survive…”

My mind wanders as he continues. I want love. I need strength. I have to survive this and anything else I am going to encounter. I do not love myself. I feel weak. If I continue down the path I’ve been on, I will surely die. I want to live. I want to survive. I want the love he speaks of. I want to survive.

I want to believe.

He says, “Amen…”

Everyone else says, “Amen…”

I say, quietly, through tears, “Amen…”

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Everyone shakes hands as we leave for the night. I quietly sneak out, nodding at the few people I make eye contact with. I step outside and it is freezing. Snow flurries are falling. I go to stick my hands in my coat pockets and begin my trek home when I hear, “Hey man…”

I turn to find out that the voice belongs to the big hulk of a black guy that I sat behind. He stands at the bottom of the church steps with a girl who is probably close to my age or a little younger. He lights up a cigarette as I step forward, nodding my head, “Back at you, man.”

“Why didn’t you say anything tonight?”

I go to answer but the girl speaks up first, coming to my defense, “Thomas, you know better than to ask that. He’s new. He was probably shy or something. Just like you were when you first started coming here.”

He takes a drag off of his cig, “You don’t have to remind me, Jamie,” This guy, Thomas, returns his attention back to me, “So what’s your name new guy? I was waiting for you to introduce yourself but you didn’t.”

I shrug my shoulders, not sure how to handle this, “Uh, my name’s James…” I’m not used to having to really introduce myself. I mean, I don’t mind it, but I am usually being bombarded with fans asking for autographs and women throwing themselves at me or showing off their tits. This is new. I like this, even if I suck at it, “Sorry I didn’t say anything dude. I’m new to this whole thing and I was pretty timid about coming tonight…”

Jamie wipes the hair from her face then responds, “Don’t worry about it man. We were all timid when we came here. Some of us didn’t stick with it but there have been some of us who have.”

Thomas pipes in, “Timid? Me? Girl, I wasn’t timid at all. I knew I needed to get better. That’s why we’re all here. We need to get better. If you’re not here to get better James then you need to take your ass on up the road…” I go to say something, but he cuts me off with by laughing hysterical, “I’m just messing with you, man. We’re happy to have you. We’d be honored if you continued to come back, but no pressure of course.”

I let out a chuckle myself, trying to mask the uneasiness behind it, “Thanks man, I appreciate it…”

Jamie laughs as well, “Don’t mind Thomas. He’s a big guy but a little shit underneath it all. Isn’t that right, Thomas?”

She pops him in the shoulder with a playful slug and he laughs as well, shrugging. I laugh with them, wishing this situation was over with because I feel uncomfortable. The laughter dies down and Thomas speaks up once more, “So what did you think of Randy?”

I shrug, “Who’s Randy?”

Jamie replies, brushing her long black hair out of her face once more, exposing her Carolina blue eyes, “Randy’s the group leader…the guy who led us all in prayer.”

I nod my head, “Oh okay. Well to be honest, I am not sure what to make of him or any of this.”

Thomas nods his head as well, “Yeah I can understand that. It’s a little overwhelming at first I’m sure. It was overwhelming for me for the first few weeks, but then something changed. I’m not sure what it was that changed but whatever it was, I’m glad it did. If you stick with it, something will change for you and it will change for the better. But like I said, you just have to stick with it.”

I crack a smirk and nod once more, “Thanks, Thomas. I really appreciate it…thanks to both of you. But I gotta get going. I’ve been up all day. I’m pretty tired. You guys have a good night and I hope to see you next time.”

They wave and tell me good night before Jamie says while slowly walking away, “I do hope you come back. It’d be nice having you, but if not, it’s understandable. Take care…”

I wave and give another smile before turning and walking away into the night. I keep my head down and my hands in my pockets, a thousand thoughts racing through my mind as I make my way home. I prepare to turn a corner when I hear someone shout, “HEY!!!” I stop, letting out a sigh before slowly turning to find the previously mentioned Randy standing just a foot or two away from me. He walks up and smiles, extending his hand out. I take it and shake hands with him as we lock eyes, “So, you’re the new guy? How are you? I’m sorry we didn’t get to formally introduce. My name’s Randy. I wanted to catch you before you walked out of the basement but by the time I got around to finding you, you were already gone. I just wanted to thank you for coming.”

Our handshake ends and I nod my head, breaking eye contact, “Thanks. I really appreciate it, Randy. My name’s James. Pleasure to meet you.”

He nods, “Yeah, yeah likewise. So, would you mind if I bought you a cup of coffee? I like to get to know our newest members.”

A part of me would love to have a cup of coffee while talking to someone who more than likely really DOES give a shit, but then there is that part of me, the part of me that typically wins, the part of me that is a scared little kid that is afraid to let someone in. At least at this point in time, “I would you know but I kind of have to get going. I have to start getting things packed. I leave on a flight tomorrow. I won’t be back for a few days.”

He lowers his head. I can feel his disappointment because it is a feeling that we share, “Oh, okay. What is it that you do? That is…if you don’t mind me asking.”

I shrug, “I’m a professional wrestler. I travel a lot. Sometimes it feels like I’m never home, you know?”

He laughs, “Yeah I can get that. Wow, I would have never thought I’d have a celebrity coming to group. I’d love to hear your story sometime.”

I nod and smirk at the same time, “Yeah I wouldn’t go as far as calling me a celebrity. It’s not something I try to embrace or let go to my head. I’ve let it happen before and well…that is why you had me in group tonight to say the least. And yeah, maybe one day I’ll tell my story.”

Randy replies, “It could do you a world of good if you did, James.”

“I hope so…I hope so.”

“So, we’ll see you next week then?”

And then there is a silence that falls over us, blocking out the sounds of the city surrounding us. I nod once more while sort of cowering away, trying to avoid this small awkward confrontation. He lowers his gaze once again, “James, you don’t have to come back. I tell this to everyone I meet with. I am not trying to pressure you into change or trying to shove it down your throat. I just want you, as well as everyone else out there, that you can get better. I’m not going to steer down a certain path. I can only give you the tools and some guidance. The rest is up to you in the end.”

“I’ll do my best to not disappoint, Randy.”

He smiles then extends his arm once and we shake hands, as we lock eyes yet again. I feel as if he is staring into my soul, seeing the loneliness poking its head out from the darkness I carry with me. It makes me feel somewhat vulnerable, like I just want to break down right here and now, but due to the wall that I’ve built and the façade that I’ve learned to wear, I don’t.

Randy responds, “That is all I ask, James. It was a pleasure meeting you. I hope to see you next week and I hope to hear your story as well. Have a good night.”

He slowly steps back as I reply, my voice becoming gravely due to the sadness I am feeling, “Yeah, you too.”

I then turn away and begin walking around the corner, heading to the only place I want to be which is home. Along the way, I tell myself that I need to break down the wall I’ve put up because in the end, it will help me. I am not sure how, but something tells me that it will. I tell myself that it could help become a father to my daughters. Maybe it could help Katelyn and I develop some sort of friendship out of the hell we’ve gone through with one another. I could probably make some friends in the industry as well as out here. Thomas and Jamie seem like nice enough people, I say to myself when my train of thought is broken. I hear a sound. It is a very sad sound. I look around trying to figure out where it is coming from as I slow my pace down a little bit. I take a few steps and the sound becomes a bit clearer. It sounds like some sort of animal whimpering.

A few more steps and I figure out where it’s coming from. I stop in front of a row of metal trashcans. The whimpering is louder. One of the cans moves a little bit and it startles me. I am not sure what to do. I don’t know what to expect as I reach out and grab the lid, removing it slowly just in case whatever is in there decides to spring out and attack me or something. But nothing happens except the whimpering intensifies. I remove my cell phone and turn on the flashlight before peering down into the trashcan. I see a set of tiny brown eyes staring back at me. A little black nose and small brown and black eyes moving up and down. I move the light a bit more, seeing a black and brown coat, with red matted into the fur. I see the body is moving up and down rapidly. I slowly reach out to the touch the animal and at first there is a small growl so I move my hand back.

I shine the light over the head, discovering it is nothing more than a small pup, cold and scared to death. I nod at it and crack a small grin, “I know the feeling little guy. You don’t have to be scared of me,” I slowly reach out again, and the small growl returns, “It’s okay buddy…it’s okay. I’m not going to hurt you. I promise. Shhhh…shhhh…” The growling slowly stops as I reach underneath the pup, feeling a sticky and wet warmth touch my fingers. I lift the pup out of the trashcan and quickly examine it, “Someone hurt you pretty bad huh, little guy?” I turn my cell off and place it in my pocket before gently running my fingers over the pup, my fingers trembling as if I am feeling its pain flowing through me.

“I’ll take care of you little guy. I’m so, so, sorry that someone or something did this to you,” I say, looking into the dog’s eyes. We share a sadness and looking at it once more, the sadness grows on my end, because something tells me the truth of the matter. It tells me that I can’t take care of this pup. And I know that I can’t. The vulnerability inside of me increases and I feel helpless as I think to myself, asking why is it every time I want to do something good, I can’t? Or when I want to take care of someone or something, I cower from it because I don’t think that I can do it? I close my eyes, wiping away a few tears dangling on my eye lashes and I take in a deep breath. I open my eyes and lift the pup, “I can’t just leave you out here…” I shake my head again, knowing that if I leave it out here, the pup will more than likely die. I look around as I begin to walk up the street, looking for a nice house, or something that isn’t close to a sketch part of the neighborhood.

And then I see one. I stand close to the wire fence circling the front yard, staring into the window on the side of the house. I see an elderly couple sitting in the living room, the woman on the couch and the man in the recliner. For a moment or two, it reminds me of my grandparents and I feel a warmth as I form a small smile on my face. I cradle the pup as I slowly creep into the front yard, quietly opening the fence, “It’s going to be alright buddy,” I whisper the pup, feeling my heart break even more the closer I get to the front door. Once I get to the top of the steps, I look down at the pup, seeing the sadness and the fear in its eyes, “You’ll be better off here little guy. I just know it…” I press my lips the dog’s forehead and let it rest its legs on the top step. I reach out and rapidly beat on the front door before racing out of the front yard and climbing over the fence. I hide behind some bushes and I wait, watching as the front door opens. The old man looks around before looking down at the pup. He smiles before slowly leaning down, lifting the pup up. He smiles and laughs. I see the pup lick the old man’s face. He cradles the pup before stepping back inside closing the door.

The smile on my face grows as I tell myself that I did the right thing for once. If anything, as I never know if what I am doing is the best option or not, I know that I did some good tonight.

I tell myself that I saved the pup’s life and in a way, he saved mine, even if it was just for a little bit.

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February 23rd, 2016

I can’t believe I’m here, I think to myself as I walk closer to the house. I see a helicopter. I see someone jumping off of a roof while an individual I believe to be Sophie James cheers him on. I am at Ace Marshall’s house. He had invited me and what appears to be half of the entire wrestling Triad or more to a birthday bash for Sophie James. I waited days to reply to him on Twitter, because I was unsure then just as I am unsure right now. I probably shouldn’t be here but I want to embrace life. I want to enjoy the life that I have. I am rich and famous. I can enjoy the fruits of my labor. I just don’t have to be fucked up in order to do so. I shake my head as I tell myself that I have been saying that over and over, repeating it off and on throughout the entire day. It is repeating harder and faster now that I am here, my eyes locked on the scene playing before me.

Ace and I have a history. We were in the Chosen. I wanted to be his friend then but there was just something about the way he was promoted that irritated me. He and I eventually became roommates for all of two months I think back in 2013. He struggled with paying rent and then there was that party he threw with underage teens and homeless people. Not to mention the guy with the video camera recording every single aspect of the party. I had had enough and it is a big reason as to why I have not been kind so to speak since Ace returned to the SCW. I have held an ill will towards him, figuring that he had not changed his ways despite his numerous claims of doing so. Thinking about it now, Ace has changed it seems, while I have been stuck in the same rut I am always in, battling my demons and their addictions.

I guess that is the biggest reason as to why I accepted his invitation. I have been a dick to Ace. Not that he has been a gentleman and a scholar towards me either. We have exchanged jabs on Twitter. I am not much of a joker or someone that just likes to insult people. That has never been my style. But that is Ace and I. When we were tagging, he was the mouth and I was the wrestler. That is just how it was. But I accepted because I felt like, just as I feel now, that Ace and I can take whatever bullshit past we’ve had and put it behind us.

My thoughts are scrambled as I see the guy who jumped off of the roof being carried by a group of people I’ve never seen. He is in pretty bad shape and there is a part of me that is beginning to truly second guess showing up. I shake my head and tell myself that I should not expect anything less from Ace Marshall. He has always embraced the chaos of life while I have tried to run from it. I edge closer to the house and I do some sort of exchange with Monopoly money. I want to question it but I think better of it. I just nod at the guy who is supposed to be security and I step inside. Upon entering, it is like I have entered into another dimension. I see several SCW superstars and I kinda want to be back in my hotel room, talking on Twitter with Bree Lancaster and William Mason, even if I am not one of William’s biggest fans. I was drawn to Bree because she just seems like an all-around genuine person which is the kind of person I need to have in my life at this point. I tell myself that I am here now however and I just need to accept it.

I see people walking by with glasses and solo cups in their hands. My nose instantly picks up on the scent of alcohol and there is the part of me that starts foaming at the mouth, craving nothing more than a sip, telling me that I need it in my life. I tell myself that I need to be here so I can test myself. To see if I will grow weak and give into temptation, which I would hate to do, not only because it would piss all over any progress I’ve made in the last few weeks, but because I have one of the most important matches in my life tomorrow night against Jake Starr. I remind myself that there is a lot on the line. Should I beat Jake, I’ll get a chance to compete at Retribution in the semi-finals of the Shot of Adrenaline tournament. But not only would I get that chance, I’ll be able to win something for me. Overcoming Jake Starr would be like a dream come true so to speak. It will be just like fighting this addiction. It is something for me. Something to better myself.

I see Ace and I slowly begin to make my way towards him because I feel he is the only person that I truly know at this party but then I stop dead in my tracks as my eyes rest upon her. I see Katelyn Buehler standing next to him. I watch as they laugh. Normally, I’d get jealous due to our history together and how Katelyn was during the days of the Chosen, but I tell myself that they have changed for the better while I have remained the same. I try to appear as I am not staring but then she looks over at me. I can see the glare in her eyes as she shakes her head the turns and glares at Ace. He shakes his head before turning and seeing me, looking every bit as surprised. I decide it’s time to move on elsewhere. I make my way through the crowd, the scene of alcohol still fresh, burning my nostrils and making my stomach knot up and turn. I look to the left of me and there it is. It’s the same on the right side of me. I see it in front of me and I know I will see it if I turn back.

I keep making my way through the crowd, looking for some sort of exit when I hear my father’s voice in my ear, making things even worse, “Go ahead and take a drink. You know you want to…Things will be so much better for you when you do…Just do it.”

I tell myself that it would be easier to do just that. I repeat to myself that I have a match against Starr. That it would make all of my recent pain and withdrawals mean nothing. And then I remind myself that despite the way Katelyn just looked at me, she is allowing me to see our kids tomorrow before Breakdown. That is another opportunity I don’t want to fuck up because I wanted to make things easier for myself and get drunk off of my ass. As I move through the crowd, I whisper to myself, “Keep it together James. Just keep it together. Do it for you. Do it for your girls…” I don’t want to blow my chance to see them especially if Katelyn is taking them to California. I was a little irritated that she mentioned it over Twitter but it is better than nothing. At least she is making an effort I think to myself. I need to do the same I say with a deep breath as I finally reach the outside area again. I step out in the night air, into a crowd standing and drinking, sharing laughs on the deck. I walk over to a corner and I just stand there, staring out at the night sky, wondering if they are truly having a good time or if they are struggling as I have been struggling.

I turn and face the crowd, feeling a bit envious of them. I tell myself that not everyone is like me. Not everyone allows drugs and alcohol to take over. Not everyone is consumed by the rock and roll lifestyle that comes along with being a professional wrestler. Right now, I kind of wish I was like them. Care free and able to enjoy life. I scoff at myself and shake my head, wishing I wasn’t alone to my thoughts and then he shows up, my saving grace, my Ace in the hole.

“There he is…Didn’t think you’d actually make it…” Ace steps out onto the deck with a cup in his hand and his usual shit eating grin painted all over his face.

I step forward a little bit, hands in my pockets, as I reply with a nod, “Ace…It’s been a long time.”

“Yeah you’re probably right. Not sure how long.”

“It’s been awhile that’s for sure,” I say, not really knowing what the hell to say. I can tell just by the look on his face that this is as awkward for him as it is me. I look around at the crowd before speaking once more, “So congrats on winning the TV title man. I am proud of you, dude. You’ve really made waves since coming back and you’ve definitely earned a lot of respect.”

Ace shrugs while taking a sip from his cup, which being this close, I can tell doesn’t smell like alcohol. I smirk a little bit, feeling all the more proud of him, “Well, you know, I do what I can. I figured it was time to stop playing games and actually make this worth my while. So how have you been, James my boy? Are you still living in Fargo?”

I let out a laugh as I remember our ill-fated venture to Fargo where we were roommates, “Lord no. I came back to New York as soon as you took off man. I think we can both agree that there wasn’t shit out there.”

“Oh come on man, there was plenty…yeah you’re right. There wasn’t a damn thing out there,” He says as we share a laugh. It feels good to laugh with Ace. Even when he was being a pain in the ass, I always considered him a friend. Even when I didn’t want to, “So are you ready to face Starr tomorrow? You got a lot riding on that match.”

I shrug my shoulders, “I guess I am as ready as I will ever be. That is one reason why I am not drinking tonight. I don’t want to fuck anything up for myself. It would be lovely to walk into the ring and puke all over Jake Starr, letting him know what I really think of him, but I would rather just kick his ass. What about you? You ready to defend your belt?”

“Oh yeah you know me. I always like a good challenge. I don’t plan on letting the belt go anytime soon. Nobody is taking it away from me. But hey man, I got to get back to being a host. It was good seeing you man. Take care and enjoy the part. Alright…” Ace says while taking a sip from his cup and edging closer to the side entrance of the house.

I nod and salute him, “Yeah man. Same to you.”

I watch as he disappears back into the crowd and I feel a sadness wash over me. Ace has made a lot of friends as well as enemies. I’ve made nothing but enemies. I know no one here. Katelyn is here but she is with her boyfriend and I don’t want to cause problems. I let out a sigh and shake my head before walking back through the house, ignoring the stinging in my nostrils and the knots in my stomach. I make my exit through the front door and begin walking away from the house. I walk and the next thing I know the house is no longer in sight. I pull out a phone and call a cab. I just walk until the cab arrives. I have the driver take me to the closest hotel, where I check in and settle in the room.

I lie down and stare at the ceiling. I am alone. I don’t really have anyone. No friends, no loved ones. Just me, myself, and I. I want to change that. I tell myself that I need to change that.

I also tell myself that I can change that, but I am going to have to continue doing what I have been doing recently.

I am going to have to fight for it.

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February 24th, 2016

I am pacing because I am nervous. My body is shaking but it has nothing to do with the withdrawals. It is the nervousness that is coursing through my body like blood through my veins. I am standing outside of Loyola’s Family Restaurant in Albuquerque, New Mexico just a few hours before Breakdown where I will meet Jake Starr in the center of the ring, with hopes of not only shutting him up but earning a spot in the tournament semi-finals. But I am here, waiting for the arrivals of Katelyn and my two daughters, Kelly and Keira. I believe the last time I saw them was back in 2013 or early 2014 when they stayed with me at my New York loft. Katelyn and I were on better terms but I pissed all of that away for reasons I’ve stated before.

I tell myself as I pace that this is my shot at redemption. I have to make this count, I think to myself, wanting to shout it at the top of my lungs in hopes that it will sink in. The hostess steps outside, smiling before asking if my party is still coming. I want to tell her to just leave me the hell alone, because I’m feeling enough pressure as it is but I don’t. I just look at her, nodding my head as I tell her yes. That my party is just stuck in traffic. She nods and walks back inside. But I feel doubt just as she does. Katelyn has every right to keep the girls from me. I don’t deserve to have them in my life and they don’t really need me in theirs. But then I ask myself why Katelyn would even bring it up out of the blue about spending time with the girls after what she found in my apartment.

Maybe she sees some sort of good in me, I think to myself.

I then turn and I see them. Katelyn walking, looking like she doesn’t want to be here, or to be anywhere near me. I can just tell that she wants to get this over as soon as possible. And then I look down at the girls. Oh my god, I think to myself, look at how much they’ve grown. They should be close to four now I am pretty sure. I imagine them running towards me, arms out wide, their little legs picking up as much speed as possible as they race towards me, smiles on their faces, but the reality of the situation is that they are walking with Katelyn, looking every bit as unsure as I am right now.

And then they reach me. I look down at the girls. Keira is grabbing onto Katelyn’s thigh while Kelly is looking off elsewhere. I look up at Katelyn, “Hey, how are you?”

“I’m good, James. Are you ready to do this?”

I nod my head, “Yeah I think so. But are you guys ready?”

Katelyn throws her arms up and shakes her head slightly, “I don’t know James. We are just here,” She then looks down at the girls and speaks, “Kelly…Keira…aren’t you going to say hello to your daddy?”

Keira just pushes her face into Katelyn’s pant leg while Kelly speaks up, “That’s not daddy…”

I feel my heart break into a million pieces, before reminding myself that I needed to hear that. Katelyn chimes in, “Kelly, you know that’s your daddy. He just hasn’t been around in awhile. Have you daddy?” Katelyn asks with a sly grin.

I look down at Kelly and force a smile, trying to hide any pain or sadness ailing me, “Yeah, Daddy has been very, very busy. But he sure has missed you and your sister…” Keira peeks out from behind Katelyn’s jeans and I smile. She smiles back at me before going back into hiding, which gives me a small glimmer of hope.

Kelly cocks her eyebrow up, “Have you really?”

I cackle a little bit, my smile becoming more real now that Kelly is opening up with me, “Of course I did silly. Why wouldn’t I miss you? Or Keira? I love you both so much. And…” My voice starts to crack. I look up at Katelyn who is shaking her head and looking the other way. I wipe my hands over my face real quick, trying to rid my eyes of any tear residue as I continue, “And…I would like to be around a lot more but only if you and Keira want me around. What do you think?”

Keira peers around Katelyn’s leg once again, her voice high pitched, “And mommy too?”

I look over at her, smiling, “Oh yeah. Mommy too. So what do you think girls? Would you like if daddy hung out with you guys more?”

They look at one another, smiling from ear to ear. The hope I have begins to grow as they turn and look at me, shaking their heads yes. I want to reach out and hug them but then Katelyn speaks, bringing me back to reality, “We will see girls,” She then looks down at me, “Are you ready to go in? We both have things we have to do tonight so I’d like to get this over and done with as soon as possible, James.”

I nod, “I have a table waiting,” Katelyn then tells the girls to follow her. I tell them that I will be in in a minute. After they enter the restaurant, I slowly climb to my feet, closing my eyes. I take a few deep breaths. I tell myself that it felt good to have them open to me as they did, but then I tell myself that I can’t expect them to fully embrace me. Not just the girls, but Katelyn as well. I open my eyes, placing my hands on my hips, looking up at the sky as I tell myself that I may be in over my head right now, but I am going to have to stay afloat, because now it is sink or swim.

I tell myself that the girls do not need any more fucking disappointment from me. Saying that they won’t be disappointed means dick if I can’t back it up. I look down and take another deep breath, nodding my head before turning towards the restaurant. I walk towards it, telling myself that I can do this, even if it is tough at first. Anything worth it is challenging, I say. I grab the door and step inside, hanging onto that glimmer of hope, hoping that the best has yet come.

I turn the corner and I see Katelyn with our girls. They have their own little world and I have never been a part of it. I remind myself that life has given me yet another chance to be better for them and show them that I am not a complete fuck up. I tell myself that I have to actually give a damn and show it as this may be the last chance I’ll ever get.

Time to make the most of it.

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________________________________

I sit in my hotel room in the heart of Kansas City, Missouri, where in a little over twenty four hours, I will find myself stepping into the ring against Angelica Jones. I think about what it took for me to get here. Yeah sure I went through a few people in my block but Angelica has been leading the pack. She even bested me a few weeks ago, so I know what it is like to be in the ring with her. Yet, people seem to think that I should fear Angelica. I don’t see why I should fear anyone. Sure I am nervous, because there is a lot riding on this thing, but one thing I am not…is afraid. Selena Frost got it right, while I am controversial, I am a hard worker nonetheless. Angelica thinks I am nothing more than a loser and maybe she’s right but if you look at what I have done when I haven’t had my head up my ass, I am far from a loser. I have bested champions and I have been champion. I have faced legends and beat them cleanly in the center of the ring. Listening to Angelica’s promo made me feel like I was listening to Jake Starr ramble on and on from a few weeks ago.

Starr did exactly what I said he was going to do which was bury me and make it seem like I wasn’t worth a damn. Angelica came in and did the same exact thing. I get it. I haven’t always been the best when it comes to this sport, but that doesn’t mean I suck or that I am a waste of space. I heard it for a long time and I even thought it was true for a long time. Everywhere I turn it seems like I am getting sold short. Jake Starr played it up, saying that I couldn’t beat him on my own. He said that, pretty much downplaying every single time he cheated someone else in the middle of the ring. I was giving him a taste of his own medicine. I made it very clear when we met in the ring that I had his fucking number. Selena is telling me that I can’t beat Angelica Jones. She wants to say I am a hard worker yet she tells me that I am not able to beat Angelica because she is dangerous. It is like me taking the Deathblow from Auclair and getting planted with a piledriver onto a steel chair means nothing. I can handle danger and destruction. I can handle getting beat down and hurt. I have always gotten back up. Hell, I was trained by a man who paved the way for “dangerous and deadly” superstars like Angelica Jones. I am referring to Josh Hudson. He was the epitome of violence in the SCW for years. I took his trainings and his beatings and I still got up from them, ready to go again.

I have played in the Underground. I have danced in Tactical Warfare. Angelica can be dangerous and I know that she is, but I am not going to let it scare me, just as I am not going to let their words get into my head. Normally, I would have gotten upset and pissed off. I would have stood in front of this camera that rests before me and I would have aired my grievances. I would have called them every single name in the book, but I’m not doing that now. I am not going to play their games. I am not going to allow the fact that Angelica has way more experience in this field than I do bother me. She has been in this over twice as long as I have, which is something that Selena didn’t take into account, among other things that I’ve just listed.

I sit back in my chair and let out a laugh, because I knew that this would happen. I was right. I knew that everyone would downplay me. I get it. I deserve it. I’ve said that. And I welcome it. Let everyone downplay me. I have been picking up steam and using that as momentum to only better myself. Selena Frost can say that I am not good enough. Angelica Jones can state that I am a loser and that I am not good enough. Hell, Christy can stand in front of a camera, parading her title around, patting it like it’s her best friend and say that I am not good enough. Go for it, I say. I know that I barely scraped by to get to this point, but I did. I busted my ass to come out of nowhere to get here. I don’t expect people to acknowledge it. But I know that this is important. I am not here to have a pissing contest on who is better and who isn’t, because that hasn’t been decided yet.

They want to sell me short?

That’s fine. It’s just up to me to give them all more than they bargained for. I decide it is time to put my words into action, to let them know my mindset as we draw closer to Retribution. I am not going to bury them and make them look like they aren’t worth it because I know that they are. I will give them their due even if they don’t want to give me mine. I draw in a deep breath, before exhaling and leaning forward, turning the camera on as I begin to speak.

“Can you feel it?”

“I can feel it and I can damn sure sense it. Excitement is in the air as we draw closer and closer to Retribution. It will be a night where we will see Reagan Street defend the SCW World Championship against Amy Chastaine in what will surely be a highly contested main event. We will get to see as six people compete for the right to be named the number one contender to the World Championship. Unfortunately, the SCW fans will have to listen to another Jake Starr diatribe where he yells and curses about how he should have this and how this will be his time, before hopefully getting his ass handed to him by Zoe Sperling. Matt Auclair will duke it out with Dalton Hughs. I just hope that Dalton leaves me more than just scraps because Matthew and I have some unfinished business. But that business will be attended to at a later time, as Sunday night, the Shot of Adrenaline tournament will come to an end, and I hope to be known as the winner.”

“But I don’t know if I will make it to the end. I just don’t know, and I could be cliché here and spout some sort of cocky promo about how I am the best and how this will be my year. But I’m not, because I don’t know. I will be in contention with three of the toughest competitors in this company. I will be preparing to face Angelica Jones, as well as Christy Matthews and Selena Frost. The three of them are high caliber athletes who are more than capable of winning the tournament and even being declared the undisputed SCW Adrenaline Champion. It is a high honor and privilege to even be listed in the same match as the three of them. It would be an even higher honor to be declared the 2016 Shot of Adrenaline tournament winner as well as the new Adrenaline Champion, as it is a title I held back in 2011. It’s been a long time and I’d love to be reunited with the belt, but as of right now, that is just a thought.”

“The first time the Shot of Adrenaline tournament was announced, I had high tailed it out of the SCW. Don’t think for a second that I didn’t kick myself and curse myself for leaving around that time because I thought it was a kick ass concept. I hated that I had to have my head up my ass because I missed out on a great opportunity. That is why I feel blessed and honored to be able to say that I am in the semi-finals this go around, especially when a lot of people don’t think that I should be where I am.”

“You see, I’m not supposed to be here…”

“There is a lot of truth in that statement. I am not supposed to be here in the semifinals of the Shot of Adrenaline tournament. My spot was reserved for superstars like Jake Starr, Selena Frost, and even the current champion who I’d love nothing more than to meet in the finals, Christy Matthews. And this isn’t me taking a page from Christy; this isn’t me taking a few lines from her promo directed towards Rachel Foxx a couple of weeks ago. No, this is me being up front and honest. I am not supposed to be here. I started off, defeating the legendary CHBK as well as the up and coming Felicity Lansing. I looked strong in those performances. But I took a detour from the tournament, finding myself in contention for the World title, but I didn’t quite make it all the way through, now did I? When I returned to the tournament, Jake Starr handed me a loss thanks to the use of a steel chair. After taking the loss to Tyler Tucker, I felt like a lost cause, a failure, a has been as Jake Starr has so kindly put it. And I am sure the fans as well as the rest of the locker room felt the same way I did.”

“But I wasn’t content with being a failure or a lost cause. I was going to fight. I was going to swing for the fences and hope for the best. Collin Cole and I stole the show a few weeks ago, and I barely squeaked out a victory over him. And then despite what happened after the match was over, I defeated Jake Starr, giving the bastard a taste of his own medicine, letting him know that I am far from a failure or a has been. I let him, as well as the world and the entire SCW locker room, as well as everyone else in Block A and Block B that I am still here. I shocked Jake Starr and the rest of the world when I denied him access to the semi-finals that he was destined to be a part of. I know that I was never a favorite to make it this far or to even win this tournament, but here I am, preparing to do just that, to defy all the odds and walk out as the 2016 Shot of Adrenaline tournament winner, to walk out as the new…SCW Adrenaline Champion…”

“It is a nice thought, but I know that in order to do so, I am going to have to go through some hard hitting battles. I have been doing well so far, fighting against tough opponents, and I know that Retribution will prove to be absolutely no different. Like I said, I wasn’t expected to make it this far, so to those of you I disappointed, I’m sorry but not sorry. It could have been Jake Starr taking on Angelica Jones, but instead it is yours truly that has the opportunity to step up and face the Golden Goddess, to make sure the Firestar burns out…”

“To slay the dragon…”

“I am sure you’ve heard it all before. You have been in this business for a little over a decade. You’ve beaten some top names in this company, in some big matches. You practically took the GDW to new heights, winning the World Heavyweight Championship on more than one occasion. You have put your body through Hell in order to gain notoriety in this industry, not only as an individual but for female wrestlers period. You went to war with the SCW legend, Lethal Weapon. The man was a dominant SCW World Champion and only a select few hall of famers beat that man. You went to war with him like I said and survived. That is a testament to you and your abilities when it comes to stepping in between those ropes each and every week.”

“You have brought that mentality to the SCW and you have had quite a bit of success. You have never seemed to stop taking your opponents to war, and I have no doubt that you will do the same with me when our match comes up on the Retribution card. You and I have been in the ring before, and you wanted to tear my head off so bad. I could see it in your eyes and I can’t say I blame you. I was a fucking asshole to say the least and I needed to have my head beat in on more than one occasion. And if you still feel the same way, still thinking about how I attacked you, and just about everyone else leading up to the Tag Title match at Final Level, then I say bring it. Keep that mindset. I want to be put through the ringer just as I have been the last few times I’ve stepped into the ring. I know that I will get that with you and I welcome it. I feel like I need that.”

“Angelica, I don’t care what side of you that you decide to put me in the ring against, I am going to give you a fight like no other. You are going to get a James Evans who isn’t down on himself. You are going to get a James Evans that is focused and ready. You have what it takes to beat me. You have what it takes to go through Christy Matthews or Selena Frost in order to become the Adrenaline Champion.”

“And you can sit there and listen to these words. You can laugh at me then before going all Jake Starr on me and call me a loser. You can say that I even rode Jake’s coattails. That is your prerogative. Hell, you can even hold the fact that you beat me on a house show over my head. That’s fine. That is just motivation, Angelica. You can bury me and make me out to be nothing more than a stepping stone. Yes, I barely made it to where I’m at, but I made it. And yes, you beat me. Congrats. I won’t take that from you. Sunday night, you need to do it again and you need to make it count. Otherwise, all of your tough talk will have been for nothing. You don’t have to convince me that this is your year. You just have to actually do it. Things may go down differently this time. Maybe they won’t. If they don’t then you will have earned your right to be in the finals. But if they are different then it will be because of the fact that I was the better athlete at Retribution. And what a fitting title don’t you agree? You’ve buried me and now I am going to fight harder than ever just to make you eat your words.”

“Sunday night we find out who has more heart in this fight…”

“I feel like I have found my heart and the will to fight again these last few weeks. But there is someone else involved in this tournament that has had the heart and the fight ever since she arrived here in the SCW. I am referring to you, Selena Frost.”

“You are a former two time SCW Adrenaline Champion. You’ve held the SCW Tag Team Championships. You’ve made one hell of a name for yourself in the IWC. You’ve stepped into the ring with some of the very best that this company has ever had to offer and you’ve beaten the best. You were even a finalist in the Shot of Adrenaline tournament last year, so you’ve been to the dance before. You know what the pressure feels like when it is put on, trying it’s best to crush you or at least make you buckle. You’ve made it to the semi-finals once more and there is no doubt in anyone’s mind that you’re aren’t looking to make it to the finals with the SCW Adrenaline Championship in tow. You want to carry that title all the way to the end and after. I have no doubt in my mind that you have the capability to do just that. I’ve seen what you can do in that ring when your mind is focused and razor sharp. In just a short time, you have shown that you will go down as one of the best in this company’s history.”

“And listening to myself say that now, I can’t help but laugh at how dumb I was a few years ago. Even late last year. Back in 2014, I was the Underground Champion. I had just defeated Matt Auclair and Rachel Foxx to retain the title. They were going onto the Tactical Warfare main event later that night. I remember going up to Mr. D and telling him that if he needed someone to go out there and defend the SCW…I told him that I was his guy. He had full faith in his team, but then things went sour due to the deal David Helms made with Silas Mason. I remember sitting in my locker room waiting to get a knock on my door, waiting for Mr. D to arrive and tell me to get my ass out to the ring to fight. But that knock never came. I watched as you walked out onto the entrance ramp, steel chair in hand and a smile on your face before you went into that match and helped lead Team SCW to victory. At the time, I was pissed. I was irate. I cursed you and everything you were worth.”

“I left shortly after that, because I felt like I had been slighted by Mr. D. I felt like I had been looked over in favor of you and at the time, I felt insulted to say the least. I felt like the SCW owed me, which can be evident from the promos I cut and the jarring words I spewed for nearly a year after I returned. I look back at it now and I can’t help but shake my head in shame. I was an idiot more or less. Looking back at it now, I can see why Mr. D chose you to help Team SCW. You were a superstar. You were a reliable competitor, but I think the biggest reason was because of the fact that you were going out there to defend this company. You weren’t going out there with the same intentions I was. My intentions were merely to get noticed and to hopefully be seen as a main event caliber performer. I wasn’t worried about the SCW as a whole. I was worried about how I looked in the SCW. You went out there for the betterment of the company. You deserved to be out there. You needed to be out there. And each time I get a chance to watch you in the ring, I am constantly reminded of why.”

“And I know that there is a chance that you and I will meet at Retribution. I know that there is a chance that we will fight for the right to be known as the Shot of Adrenaline winner. Just as I know that should that happen and it comes down to the two of us…I know that it is going to be one hell of a fight. I can just look at what you’ve accomplished and the names you have toppled and realize that I am going to be in for the fight of my life. You have beaten names that I could only dream of beating. Names such as Red Rayne, Rayvn Taylor, and Chris Cannon. Names of people who have mopped the ring with me. But in saying that, don’t think that I am selling myself short. I know that if I have my head on right then I can get it done in the ring, just like you can. The only difference is that you are more consistent and I allow my personal demons to get in the way.”

“Sunday night, the only thing going to be in my way is Angelica Jones and maybe you. If I manage to get Jones and face you, then I know that I am going to have to step it up even more, because facing you will be no walk in the park. You long to have the Adrenaline title back in your possession. You’ve been after it ever since Christy managed to beat you for it in the very beginning of the tournament. You fought long and hard, overcoming obstacle after obstacle before finally ending the reign of Red Rayne. Your second reign was short lived and I have no doubt in my mind that you will do whatever you have to in order to get a third chance with it so you can make up it to your fans as well as yourself, showing that you have more than earned the right to be known as the Queen of Adrenaline.”

“But should we meet, I am going to show why I earned the right to even be in the semi-finals. I am no king. I wear no crown. I am just a man fighting for his life out there. These last few weeks, I have found myself engaged in war after war, against stars who scratch and claw. Stars like Collin Cole and Tyler Tucker. Stars like Amy Chastaine and Stacy Kissinger. They fight like there is no tomorrow. Facing them opened my eyes in a way, letting me know that I needed to find my heart and love for this sport once again. As I said just a few moments ago, I feel like I have found it. I am ready to know for sure and put it on display. I know that we will steal the show if given the chance, Selena. I know that the fans will get one hell of a treat. But so will I. Not only because I am a fan, but because I know that you will force me to fight harder. I know that you will force me to work harder than I have had to in a long, long time. I welcome that. I need that. I just hope that I can give it right back, because I know we both want the win. I’d be happy with facing you and I’d be happy with losing to you. I am just going to dig deeper and bring better than my best in order to make sure that I don’t end up as a true believer.”

“Someone who isn’t a true believer is none other than the current Adrenaline Champion and semi-finalist, Christy Matthews. You entered this tournament at the top and you’ve stayed there ever since. You walked in and defeated Selena Frost for the championship you covet and you haven’t looked back ever since. But ever since you won that title, I have thought about facing you for that title and it is a thought that hasn’t left my mind. And now, there is a chance that I will receive that opportunity in just a few short days. I know that I said that I would be happy facing Selena. That is true. But I would be just as honored to face you just in case you didn’t catch that bit at the beginning of this little promo. I mean, you are the champion after all, so facing you and possibly beating you, one of the most dominant Adrenaline Champions in the SCW’s history, would be career-defining. But as I said before, it would be much more than that to me. It would show that all of my hard work on bettering myself in and out the ring has been absolutely worth it. It would show that hard work does indeed pay off.”

“I know that you’re no stranger to hard work. You’ve held onto the Adrenaline title, despite getting yourself into some sticky situations where things could have easily gone the other way. You have retained the title by actually defeating your opponent. You have also fought your opponents to a draw since winning the strap. You have worked hard in order to maintain your reign, not allowing the pressure to get to you. You’ve been here before however. You’ve held the Women’s Championship recently, defeating Autumn Valentine in the process, ending her historic reign, showing there is a reason you have been considered one of the best female athletes in all of sports. And speaking of historic, you were one of the very first female SCW World Champions in the company’s history. You held a strong reign, sending a message to the rest of the ladies in the locker room, letting them know that it was possible to shoot higher than the Women’s title, or the other so called “midcard titles”. In a way, you and Katie Steward kick started the female wrestling revolution into the world title main event scene when you two were battling it out over this company’s top prize.”

“Not only did that show to me as well as the rest of the locker room and the viewing world that you have what it takes to be the face of this company as well as the industry, but it also showed that you have accolades to be known as one of the very best to ever compete under the SCW banner. I have never faced you one on one. My mentor Josh Hudson did last year and he said you gave him one hell of a fight. His word means a lot to me because when it comes to stepping in between those ropes, he knows what he is talking about. You two have a history and he is the reason you and I have our own history. I teamed up with you at Rise to Greatness three years ago. I was more worried about avenging Hudson and beating the hell out of Rachel Foxx, which is something you did a few weeks ago on Breakdown, retaining the championship you have in your possession right now. Our team fought hard and gave it our best. I respected you back then, but after hearing your words a few weeks ago leading up to your match against Foxx, a little bit of that respect died.”

“You talked about how you weren’t supposed to be where you are. You weren’t supposed to be the Adrenaline Champion. You weren’t supposed to be in the semi-finals. You weren’t supposed to make it to the finals. You talked about how you weren’t one of the favorites. Those comments made me scratch my head quite a few times. I mean, like I said...you are a former SCW World Champion. That is a title that is hard to come by, yet you managed to do it. You have held the Women’s Championship. You’ve defeated some top names such as David Helms, who is nothing short of a legend. If you go out and talk to anyone who has been keeping up with this tournament, I can almost guarantee you that there is no way in Hell you’d hear someone say that you, Christy Matthews, never had a chance of making it this far. You prove why you have been considered a favorite, not only in the tournament, but in a majority of your matches, and you do it every single time you step into the ring. You have been one hell of a champion, even if you’ve retained your title in some questionable ways at times. No one can take that away from you, yet you did nothing but sell yourself short. Like you took a gigantic shit all over your accomplishments. As if all you have done has never mattered.”

“I cherish all of my mine, because I have been so inconsistent in my career and I haven’t earned all that many opportunities. When I get them, I try to make the most of them. That isn’t going to change this Sunday if I make it past Angelica Jones and if I meet you in the ring. I know that you will give me one hell of a fight and show why you deserve to be champion, even if you don’t see it yourself. This isn’t about me trying to get you to see how good you really are. You have to see that yourself. This is about going out and proving why you are the best. I am not supposed to be here, Christy, unlike you. As I said, I am inconsistent. You have been a consistent threat since you showed up in the SCW. You are one of the best. Just as the other two competitors in this thing are some of the best. I shouldn’t be here, but here I am. Locked and loaded. I am not looking for a happily ever after, Christy. I am just looking to have my hand raised in victory as I am declared the 2016 Shot of Adrenaline tournament winner…”

“…As I am declared the SCW Adrenaline Champion for a second time…”

“It may not happen but just as I told you, Selena, and Angelica, I am going to do my best to make sure things end well in my favor. So until then, good luck, good night and be prepared for a fight come Retribution.”

I lean back from the camera and turn it off. I tell myself that I have said a lot which means that I have a lot to back up. I am going to have every word count just as every punch, kick, submission and pin attempt will have to count. I tell myself that I have to be up for the task and I hope that I most definitely am. I exhale and nod my head, before getting up from the table, as I tell myself that I will find out for sure tomorrow night.