...With light somewhere in the distance..."

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August 29th, 2016

New York City, New York

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“I’m in trouble now…”

The words slip off of my tongue as I stare down at the gun, as it rests on the table. A bottle of Jack Daniels rests near it, with a bullet right beside the bottle. I am sitting at this table, in the middle of my otherwise empty new apartment. I only came here because no one else knows about this place. It is in the same apartment building and the same hallway as Katelyn’s apartment. I did it so I could at least see my girls, especially now that Katelyn is keeping them from me. She knows that Abel broke into her apartment. She knows that I am dangerous. Katelyn hates me because I nearly crippled Ace.

“How could you do that?” I look up to find Katelyn walking out of the darkness, taking a seat at the opposite end of the table. I see Kelly and Keira standing beside her. Kelly smiles at me while Keira cowers behind her mother. I then lock eyes with Katelyn, “Did you not think about how it would have affected your girls? Did they even cross your mind when you decided to kill Ace? Did you think about anyone other than yourself when you decided to power bomb him off of the top rope? Your girls…they screamed and they cried, not knowing what to think or do.”

I look down, listening to her as she scolds me. I glance up every few seconds to look at Kelly and Keira. The more Katelyn talks, the more my girls disappear behind her. I sigh, “I didn’t think about anyone. The only thing I thought about was vengeance, Katelyn, but trust me when I say that everything that I do…I do it for my girls, our daughters. I want them to love me the way they love Ace and…”

She cuts me off, “So you thought that by taking him out of the picture that you’d be able to have that sort of love? The reason Ace gets the love he gets is because he is there. You’re not there, James. You’ve never really been there until recently. And here I thought you were truly surprising me, but I was wrong. I was way wrong.”

Before I can respond, I hear Abel whisper into my ear, “Make her an offer, James. Tell her how things need to be. If she isn’t okay with it then…well…you have a gun. You know what to do with it.”

I close my eyes and shake my head, “What would you have me do, Katelyn? Do you want me to just stay away? To go away permanently? Ace pushed me to hurt him. Seeing him with my daughters…that drove me over the edge…”

Katelyn cuts me off again, “And what about with Syren? What did she ever do to you? You tried to cripple her too. Hell, you felt good about it. I am sure you want to try it again. Hell, I am sure you want to succeed this time. You are sick, James. You’re truly sick and I think you need to get help. Some serious help.”

I crack a grin, shaking my head a little bit more, “Help? Katelyn I have been going to therapy for months. I have been trying to get help, yet it doesn’t seem to work. The only thing that helps is getting into the ring and hurting people. I am not sure if there is any other way to put it. But seeing my girls…that calms me down. Seeing them keeps me sane, Katelyn. And yet you want to keep them away from me.”

Katelyn fires back, slamming her fist on the table, “You’re damn right, I do! You are a fucking nightmare, James. You tried to fucking smother our girls. Why the hell would I let you near them again? You’re lucky I don’t call the police on your sorry ass.”

Abel speaks for me, his words becoming mine as we say, “You wouldn’t…want to…do that…”

Katelyn’s eyes grow wide. I can see the anger radiating off of her face, “Are you fucking threatening me, James? Are you threatening your girls? That is something that you shouldn’t do. I can make your life hell, James…”

Abel hisses into my ear now, “Grab the gun…” My hand grips it as I slowly lift it up off of the table. Abel speaks again, “Make her an offer, James. This is what it is has come down to.”

I tell Abel that I don’t want to, but he steps behind me and grabs the hand holding the gun, forcing me to aim it at my head, as we speak once more, “We’re going to play a little game of Russian roulette, Katelyn. If you win then I will stay away from you and our girls. But if I win,” Abel then forces me to aim it at her, “Then you go away and I can see the girls whenever I want. You want me to be sane? You want to be safe…then this is the way it is going to go, Katelyn. Are you ready?”

Katelyn leans back in her chair, trying to remain confident but I can see fear in her eyes. I like this because Abel likes this. Katelyn speaks, “You’re crazy, James. Fucking crazy…” Abel grins as do I. I squeeze the trigger and the gun clicks. Katelyn jumps a bit before letting out a deep breath. Abel brings the gun to my head and quickly pulls the trigger, but it clicks again. The gun rests on the table now. Katelyn gets up from her seat, placing her arms back, keeping the girls behind her, “We are out of here, James. You’ve fucking lost it. You stay away from us…You stay the HELL away from us!!! Do you hear me…DO YOU HEAR ME?!?!?!”

I say nothing. I just lower my head, burying it in my hands as I repeat to myself over and over, that everything I do is for my girls. Everything that I do is for them. And then I hear, “That is really something, James,” I bring my hands from my face, slowly, trying to place the voice. As my fingers are pulled from my eyes, I see who it is. David Miller walks to the end of the table and takes a seat in the chair Katelyn sat in. He reaches over and grabs the bottle of Jack and takes a quick swig of it. He then wipes his chin and stares at me, smiling before he says, “What’s the matter, James? You look you’ve just seen a fucking ghost.”

I blink a few times, “You’re dead, David. What are you doing here?”

Miller laughs a little bit, throwing his head back. Once he looks back at me and his laughter calms down, he leans forward and stares at me coldly, “You tried to kill me, James. You and I kicked the shit out of each other, but then you went in for the kill…yet you didn’t do it. Why is that? I guess you could say that is why I am here. I wanted to know why…after all of your talk and all of those threats… why didn’t you kill me?”

I run my hands over my face and through my hair, letting out a sigh, “We’re wrestlers, Miller. We talk shit. I wanted to hurt you but there was no way I was going to kill you.”

Miller cuts me off, slamming his fist down on the table just as Katelyn did, “I knew it. I fucking knew it. You are all talk. You say one thing but you really mean another. You are soft, James. You are fucking soft and because of that, I had to go and finish what you started. To do what you couldn’t.”

“You wanted me to kill you?”

Miller rolls his eyes, “You knew that I wanted an ending, James. How many times did you think it in your head? I wanted someone to put me out of my fucking misery and I was hoping it was going to be you. Like I said, you talked a good game but when it came time to deliver…you fell short. Just as I am sure you’ll fall short against Syren. You don’t have that killer instinct that you seemingly brag about.”

I grind my teeth together, “Don’t tell me that, Miller. I wanted to kill you, David. You make me sick. You always come in and you’re just like Ace. You have the red carpet rolled out for you like you’ve never walked away from the SCW. You get treated like goddamn royalty. I get treated like a bastard step-child. I wanted to choke the life out of you. I wanted to break your neck almost as badly as I wanted to break Ace’s. But I didn’t. I spared you both. That doesn’t make me weak. As far as Syren goes, I will show you…all of you…”

Miller begins to laugh hysterically, cutting me off once more, “Yeah you will show us that you’re not going to do a damn thing, James. You are weak. You’re like some punk ass bully from high school. You’ll talk tough but when someone bigger and badder steps up to you, you get scared and you cower away like some chump. Syren scares you, James. Admit it. You are petrified at the very thought of having to step into the ring with her.”

This time, I slam my fist down on the table as I stand up from my seat, glaring at Miller, “NO NO NO!!! I am not afraid of her. I will hurt her and I will beat her. I told her and I will tell her again and again. I will then beat it into her so she fully she understands it. So everyone else will understand it.”

Miller gets up from his seat, “You know what would have made people actually afraid of you? By going through with these promises of pain and torture. By going through with your threats of ending people. You could have ended Ace. You could have ended me. It has nothing to do with us being wrestlers. You say that you’re not afraid of the SCW or the suits that run the place, yet you play by their rules. Why is that? Is it because you truly don’t have it in you?”

I continue to glare at Miller and then I see Abel step out from behind him, hands behind his back, curiosity on his face as he stares at Miller. Abel then looks up at me and walks towards my end of the table, “Are you going to let him talk to you like that? Why aren’t you over here kicking his teeth down his fucking throat?”

I shrug my shoulders and shake my head, “He’s dead. I already beat him.”

Abel mocks me by shrugging his shoulders and shaking his head, “You already beat him? So what? Do it again. Don’t tell me that you feel sorry for him, that what he says is true…that you’ve gone soft. I’ve been listening to him and watching you. It is becoming more and more evident that I had a lot more faith in you than I should have, James. It pains me to say this, but it seems Miller knows you better than I do.”

I clench my hands into fists before glaring at Abel, “You think I’m soft too? Fuck you, Abel. Why am I seeing this? Any of this? Miller is dead. He was such a pussy that he had to kill himself.”

Abel glares back at me, “But why didn’t you do it in the ring?”

Miller chimes in, “Yeah seriously. Why the fuck didn’t you do it at Breakdown?”

I reach up and grab my hair as I pull it while grinding my teeth, clamping down as hard as I can, “Because I have more to worry about than your sorry ass,” I shout as I stare at Miller, fuming. I then turn and look at Abel, “I am in trouble because of you. You wanted to have your fucking fun yet sooner or later, I am going to get fired. I am going to get locked up. All this time you’ve said you would keep me safe, yet you keep getting me into trouble…”

Abel smirks then shakes his head, “Oh…James, James, James…” We lock eyes, “You think I got you into trouble? The only person that has gotten you into trouble has been…” He points down at the other end of the table where Miller was, “Her…” I follow his finger to the opposite end, only to find that David Miller is gone and in his place is Amy Chastaine.

“Hello, James,” She says.

“What are you doing here? Amy you shouldn’t be here. I don’t want anything to happen to you,” I say, doing my best to stay calm, with Abel’s words to her still in my mind, “If you stay here, I am not sure I can guarantee your safety. I don’t know what Abel is capable of.”

Amy shakes her head, “Stop, James. Just stop. There is use in talking. You are doing nothing more than wasting your breath.”

I feel myself grow angry, “I am trying to save you, Amy. Why in the hell would you talk to me like that? I have never hurt you. I have done my best to keep Abel from hurting you. I know that he has and I know that he has threatened you. I apologize for that. I can’t help what happens, Amy…”

She looks down, shaking her head once more, “What did I say, James? Stop! There is nothing you can do or say to save you. You’re in trouble, James. I know that you know that. That is why you have the Jack. That is why you have the gun. You know the walls are closing in around you. Sooner or later, everything that I told Ace and everything he has told everyone else…everything that Syren is finding out about you…it will all come to the surface. Everyone is going to know.”

I bury my face in my hands once more, trying to calm myself but nothing I do seems to work. I bring my hands from my face and glare at Amy, “Why would you say anything? Why would you get other people involved? Abel warned you many, many times. Now everyone you told…Abel is going to hunt them down and hurt them. He already hurt Miller. He hurt Ace. Abel is going to want to finish Ace off. He is going to come after you, Amy. He won’t stop until you are…”

Abel steps in between us, “Why are you warning her now? She doesn’t need to see it coming, James! Jesus! This is truly pathetic. She is trying to ruin your career. She is trying to ruin your fucking life and you’re worried about her? I don’t know what I need to do to get it through your thick fucking skull that Amy DOES NOT give a damn about you!!!”

I shove Abel back, taking a few steps closer to Amy. She doesn’t back away from me as she has before. I am puzzled by this, “Amy…listen to me…please…”

Amy glares at me, stopping me in my tracks, “I am done listening to you, James. You do not scare me. You don’t scare anyone. You’re just a sick fuck. That is all. You are a scared little boy trying to act tough, but deep down, we know that you won’t cross that line. You have rules. You have morals. You are scared of the consequences. Abel isn’t and that is why I’d be more terrified of him, but since it is just you…just weak little James, I could give a shit less. It’s not like you’re going to do anything to me except play innocent. It is sickening James. And to think, I wasted time being afraid of you. Ace was right about you. You are too weak to get the job done.”

Hearing her say this, I quickly reach down on the table and I grab the gun. I point it at her, pressing it against the center of her forehead, “Don’t you ever say that, Amy. Don’t you ever fucking think that I am weak, because I’m not.”

Amy leans forward, pressing her forehead into the barrel as she begins to chuckle, “Oh James, who are you kidding? You’re not going to do a damn thing. If you were, you wouldn’t be hesitating. I wouldn’t be able to say a fucking word. I wouldn’t be able to stand here and insult you like the weakling that you are.”

Abel steps back into view, his mouth next to my ear as he says, “Kill her. Come on do it. I want you to do it. You need to do it. Kill her. Kill her. FUCKING KILL HER!!!” I keep the gun pointed at Amy, fighting the urge to pull the trigger. I want to but I don’t want to. I want to. No I don’t. I then bring the gun to my head and being pulling the trigger.

Click.

Click.

Click.

Click.

I keep pulling it, yelling with each click, just waiting for the bullet to slide through and blow my mind. I keep looking at Amy who is now laughing at me hysterically. Seeing her laughing, hearing her mocking me causes me to bring the gun back to her face. As soon as she sees the gun, the laughing stops. She hisses at me, “Are you going to do it, James? Huh? Have you finally grown some balls? I don’t think you have it in you, Jamesy Boy. You’re scared, aren’t you? Poor pathetic James,” I bring the gun down to my side as I turn away. Amy still speaks, “This is exactly why Syren is going to defeat you Sunday. You just don’t have it in you.”

I say nothing as I grab the bottle of Jack Daniels and return to my seat. I rest the gun on the table and bring the bottle to my lips. I stare at Amy through the glass bottle as she glares at me. When I bring the bottle from my lips, Amy is gone. I look down at the gun and let out a sigh.

“What are you thinking?” I hear Abel ask as he edges closer. He then takes a seat at the table.

I reply, keeping my eyes on the gun, “I’m thinking about why you are showing me all of this, Abel. I am wondering what the point is. I know that you’re trying to show me something. I’m just not sure what it is. I was wondering if you were going to tell me anytime soon.”

Abel places his hands on the table, “Why do you think I’m showing you all of this?”

I crack a small grin as I shake my head, “No, no. That isn’t what I asked. I am done playing games, Abel. I asked you a question and I expect you to answer it. I am tired of these fucking riddles.”

Abel sighs, “James, you are not living up to the potential that I have seen in you. It is starting to grow a little more than sad. You are hesitating. You hesitated with Ace. You did it with Syren and then you did it with Miller. You had right where you wanted him. He was able to push you and he even hurt you a few times. That shouldn’t happen.”

“Are you kidding me? You think that I am just going to be some sort of indestructible machine? Abel, I am human. Those people I face, they can get shots in on me and they do. Just because that happens…it doesn’t make me weak. You think showing me all of this shit is going to make me invincible? You need to get over yourself, Abel.”

Abel fires back, “And you need to get over yourself, James. You need to get over what little bit of sense of self-righteousness that you have. You saw your children…you saw Katelyn, because like you said, they keep you sane. You had a chance to pull the trigger and rid yourself of all that, yet you couldn’t do it. I had to help you. Same with Amy. You turned the gun on yourself. You even pulled the trigger then with little to no hesitation. What does that say about you?”

I shrug, “Maybe it says that I am not quite the monster you thought I was. I’m not the monster I’ve tried making myself out to be. You want me to kill but I don’t have it in me. If that makes me weak then so be it. Fuck you and fuck all of this shit you’ve put in my head.”

Abel lets out a soft chuckle, “You want to kill, James…and you have killed. I am not talking about your father either. You poisoned him. That is nothing compared to what you’ve truly done.”

I shake my head, “What in the hell are you talking about?” Abel’s chuckling turns into high pitched laughter for a few moments. I feel an anger rise within me, “ANSWER ME!!! Stop laughing and fucking answer me, Abel!!!”

Abel’s laughter calms down as we lock eyes, “Alright, James. I will answer you by asking a question. Do you remember…Olive? Just in case you don’t, I will tell you. She was a lovely young woman who made her living by spreading her legs. All you wanted was for her to listen to you, to let you vent but she wasn’t into it. She was just going to take your money and you weren’t about to let that happen. You were on edge back then and that just sent you over.”

I get up from my seat, almost losing my balance, as memories begin to flood my mind. I lean against the wall, closing my eyes, gasping for air as I see myself towering over her, my hands around Olive’s throat as she struggles. At first I see Abel in my place but then there is a flash and instead of Abel’s face, I see mine. With my eyes closed, I try to calm myself down, telling myself that it isn’t real.

It isn’t real.

It isn’t real.

And then I hear Abel’s voice, “Oh but it is real, James. It is so very real. You do have it in you. You just fail to use it. We want to instill fear into everyone, James. When they hear your name or even see you, shivers should run down spines.”

I flash my teeth at him, like a wolf preparing to attack its prey, “People do fear me. If you haven’t noticed, Amy told Ace, who told everyone. Word is going around about what I…no, no…what you’ve done and now I will have to suffer the consequences. I hate this life and just about everyone in it, Abel but this…what you’re doing…this is too much.”

Abel shakes his head, “Am I talking to Heath or James Evans, because this is fucking ridiculous.”

I say nothing. I don’t even know if I have the strength to answer. I don’t know what I’d say. I return to my seat and I press my face into the table, doing my best to tune Abel out. I repeat over once more that it isn’t real, that it isn’t real. A few moments pass and then I feel a hand press down on my shoulder. I open my eyes and lift my head up, to find her standing next to me, “O-O-Olive?”

She smiles, flashing a few teeth and bloodied gums, “Yes, James it’s me. Did you miss me?”

“I-I-I don’t remember you this way…”

Her smile fades into a grim expression, “This is the way you left me. To have you sit here and say that you’re not violent, that you don’t have it in you…to hear that you’re being called soft well…well if that isn’t a slap to the face,” She says, giving out a sickening laugh. I get up from my seat and begin to walk around to the other side of the table, but Olive is in hot pursuit, “You did this to me, James. You have it in you. You beat me to DEATH. You didn’t care. You did it without remorse, without mercy…” I try to tell myself that she isn’t real, but her voice booms in my head, “So why don’t you go out there and do what you like to do. What you love to do. What you were fucking born to do.”

I run into one of the empty bedrooms, slamming the door behind me and locking it. I slide down, pressing my back against the door, bringing my hands over my ears to block her out. I push my hands into the sides of my head as tightly as I can, feeling like I am close to cracking my own skull. After a few moments, I slowly bring my hands from my ears and I hear nothing. I close my eyes, resting my head against the door as I let out a deep sigh, only to hear, “Is this really too much, James?” I open my eyes and look forward to find Abel seated across from me, staring at from the darkness.